Our country’s rape culture, which pervades every aspect of our society and puts all our children at risk, is of great concern to South African parents. It is leading many of us to a much more robust questioning of the gender norms and patriarchal values that have been perpetuated through generations with little thought as to how they contribute to a culture of rape.
Transformation to a culture of consent, where our growing boys and girls will be far safer from sexual predation, demands also that parents understand how traditional sex education fits firmly into the constructs of rape culture. Instead, we need to be providing sex education and advice that breaks with the damaging conventions and fosters a new culture of consent in the country.
A central tenet of rape culture is victim blaming. We have long lists of what we tell our growing children might cause someone to rape them. We stress the importance of modest dressing, no drugs and careful alcohol intake, as well as avoiding certain people, places, situations and times all in order to prevent being raped. The consequence is that the injuries of rape are almost always compounded by the victim’s own self-blame – “I shouldn’t have been alone with him…” “I shouldn’t have had so much to drink…” In a culture of rape, victims unfairly shoulder responsibility for the crimes committed against them.
In 2011, it was outrage at victim blaming that inspired the global SlutWalk movement. In a response to a Canadian police officer advising students that “…women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimised” protest marches broke out in major cities across the USA and Canada. Today, SlutWalks take place each year in over 100 cities in 20 countries, emphasizing the central tenet of a culture of consent – which is that no one deserves to be raped.
Rape survivor and Johannesburg SlutWalk organizer, Karmilla Pillay Siokos, who is speaking at the upcoming SACAP Festival of Learning and who also happens to be the mother of a teenage daughter, has fresh perspectives on sex education for a culture of consent. “We have to shift the main focus of our sex education from abstinence to consent,” she says. “Regardless of age or gender, we need to teach our children body autonomy. They need to know and have full confidence in the fact that their bodies are their own and that they alone have the right to choose who touches them and how. This means that we, as parents have to completely support them when they run from the slobbery old aunt who they only see at weddings and funerals, and who somehow thinks that she has the right to kiss them. We can only teach our children to respect other people’s boundaries by setting the example of respecting their own boundaries.”
How do we tackle the deeply entrenched gender bias in conventional sex education?
Karmilla says: “When we teach our boys that they can sow their wild oats but must marry a virgin, we are telling our girls that they are only worthy of a loving marriage if they remain virgins. We live in country where girls are statistically more likely to be raped than to get a tertiary education, so we cannot afford to link their self-worth to their virginity anymore. This is part of what makes rape so devastating. It is the idea that when a girl or woman is raped by a boy or man, he not only violently, physically attacks her – he also takes away her dignity and her worth as a human being. What we imply is that once a rapist has had his way with her, she is no longer worthy of being loved by a decent man ever again. Even if that is not said overtly what is implied causes the most damage.
Another huge gap in our current sex education is that it is completely heterocentric. It is all about girls fighting off boys and needing to abstain, while boys are out of control in their insatiable desire to have sex with girls. An example of this is in the fact that we make it the girls’ responsibility to dress sensibly because boys can’t be expected to control themselves when confronted by the sight of a bra strap. There is no room in the discussion for any kind of ‘queerness’, which in current society includes girls having any kind of sexual urge at all. What we need to talk to all our kids about is sexual attraction and how they deal with it. We need to help our children to understand that their needs and feelings are normal and do deserve to be expressed. In the same conversation, we need to talk about other people’s needs, and balance rights and responsibilities. We must teach that consent is about a clear and present ‘yes’, not just the absence of a no. In order to do this, we have to also create a world in which it is equally okay to be able to say yes without prejudice.
Bystander intervention is another important aspect of teaching consent. There have been numerous cases where a crowd of people stand by with their phones videotaping a rape but nobody does anything to stop it. That is not okay. I think a major part of sex education is to get all our kids to understand that it is important to stand up for those who are not able to stand up for themselves. We need to take responsibility for the rape culture we create and perpetuate. The only way to end it is to be proactive.”
While it is vital to talk to both boys and girls absolutely equally about the importance of consent, sexual attraction and how to deal with it, is there anything parents can do particularly for our girls to help reduce their vulnerability in the context of SA’s rape culture?
“We can help them let go of the nice girl image. We can teach them that they have no obligation to be polite to anyone who makes them feel uncomfortable and that it is okay to be angry or even violent if they need to defend themselves. We need to shatter the illusion of women as passive victims who have to always be nice and polite. Predators are called predators for a reason. They choose their victims with all of the cunning calculation of an animal hunting for the weakest prey in the herd. Teach your girls to be strong, not only for themselves but for others as well. Most of all make sure that you prove to them that you will always support them no matter what they do. Don’t just tell them that you will be there for them. Be there for them. Listen when they speak to you. Try to understand their perspectives without judgement or prejudice.”
Karmilla Pillay Siokos will be presenting more of her insights on female sexuality and sex education at the SACAP Festival of Learning in Johannesburg on 19th of May 2017.
Venue: SACAP Campus, 1st Floor 160 Jan Smuts Avenue, Rosebank, Johannesburg
TICKET PRICES:
Short Talk Programme (evening): R200
Full Day Programme: R200
Student tickets for each event: R80
CONTACT DETAILS:
For more information on the event or ticket queries, please visit www.sacap.edu.za/
