What is Toxic Positivity?

Toxic positivity is a daily reality for many of us, from social media posts encouraging us to “stay positive” to relationships where we feel like we can’t express negative thoughts or emotions. While healthy optimism is ideal, it’s essential to be aware of focusing too much on positive thoughts and feelings and not being honest with ourselves and others.

In this post, we’ll discuss toxic positivity, how to recognise it and how it can be harmful. We’ll also share some ideas for cultivating a more balanced approach to mental health and wellbeing. 

What is toxic positivity?

Whitney Goodman, a licensed therapist who wrote Toxic Positivity: Keeping it Real in a World Obsessed with Being Happy, defines this concept as ” the act of dismissing or invalidating negative emotions in favour of a positive outlook.” She adds that this dismissal can “lead to suppression of genuine feelings.” 

In her podcast, Calling Home, Goodman argues that while it is often well-intentioned, always “looking on the bright side” can be toxic. Instead, she advocates for “meeting people where they are at” and challenges the idea that we need to be ashamed of not being perfect and feel guilty for not having a positive attitude all the time. 

Living in a world focused on “think positive,” we can also feel guilty for not being grateful for what we have. To compensate, we can suppress our true feelings to cover up the need to discuss and process difficult emotions and experiences. This denial can cause dysfunction in all our relationships, especially family relationships.

In her podcast episode “Toxic Positivity,” Goodman discusses how it has become intertwined with many different aspects of our lives, including our families. As she mentions in the podcast, positivity isn’t inherently toxic. It becomes harmful when we invalidate and avoid discussing difficult feelings and experiences.

Examples of toxic positivity and how to recognise it

Toxic positivity can occur in any area of our lives, including online social media interactions and personal and professional relationships. For example, toxic positivity in the workplace can involve working with a boss who focuses on achievement and doesn’t promote realistic emotional sharing and problem-solving. 

In general, here are some of the main signs:

• Feeling invalidated
• Feeling pressure to achieve perfection 

Ultimately, if you feel you are not being honest about your feelings, you might be experiencing this subtle form of gaslighting. While gaslighting is a manipulation tactic, toxic positivity is similar in that it minimises and invalidates a person’s authentic thoughts and feelings. 

While positive psychology focuses on how we should play to our strengths and not focus so much on what is wrong, being obsessed with staying positive all the time can be detrimental. Below, we’ll share various examples of this phenomenon on social media, in general relationships, and family dynamics. 

Social media

Some real-life examples include social media posts, including the following instances:

• Using hashtags like #PositiveVibesOnly
• Content that shares a positive mindset without necessarily being authentic

Relationships

In relationships, the following instances can highlight an extreme focus on the positive:

• Feeling invalidated when you express negative emotions or share a challenging experience
• Platitudes such as “it could have been worse,” “everything happens for a reason,” or “just let it go” 

All of the above show a general inability to process or deal with our own or someone else’s negative emotions. Although many people might not know what to say, these platitudes can become damaging if someone is going through a difficult time and doesn’t get the support they need.

Family dynamics

Some examples in family dynamics include any behaviour that keeps people feeling stuck and unheard, including the following:

• Putting on a front in public while not being honest about difficulties at home
• An inability to talk about dysfunction in our families 

For example, Goodman mentions how one of her clients constantly apologised for everything. On reflection, this came from feeling like she had to manage an emotionally volatile family member. This constant apologising is toxic because it prioritises harmony and shifts the focus away from addressing dysfunction. 

In a family context, this behaviour leads to emotional suppression and an inability to tend to one’s own needs. In the long term, people isolate themselves and become victims because they feel they always need to be grateful to their family and don’t feel empowered to challenge their family dynamics. 

How toxic positivity can be harmful

As mentioned in the examples above, toxic positivity can be harmful for the following reasons:

• It creates pressure to feel happy and focus only on positive experiences
• It ignores the full range of human emotions that we will all inevitably experience at some point in our lives
• Only focusing on the positive invalidates real emotional experiences and ultimately leads to disconnection, as we don’t feel like we can be ourselves. 

Importantly, dismissing a range of emotional experiences could be problematic for people who struggle with mental health challenges. In other words, trying to be positive can prevent people from getting the support they need due to a sense of shame around not being happy.

Constantly denying negative thoughts or emotions can also affect our emotional processing. If we feel shame about our true feelings, we can hide and suppress them, which is unhealthy and can lead to resentment. Therefore, it’s essential to cultivate psychological safety in personal and professional relationships, through recognising and validating our emotions. 

How to deal with toxic positivity and foster mental wellbeing

Recognising and calling out society’s obsession with “thinking positive” isn’t about demonising optimism. On the other hand, healthy optimism should be strived for. Realistic optimism means having a positive outlook while acknowledging and learning from negative experiences. 

Therefore, focusing on balanced mental wellbeing is a more constructive approach in the long term. We all have ups and downs, so it’s essential to do the following:

• Build relationships where we feel we can be authentic and express emotional honesty
• Seek support if you need help navigating difficult emotions
• Cultivate emotional intelligence and self-awareness to become more aware of your feelings and manage them effectively 
• Learn to self-regulate to help us process emotions, reducing the need to suppress them 

Accepting that we will sometimes feel overwhelmed is also part of achieving balance. Learning to navigate our experiences is a lifelong process, and it’s okay not to know how to deal with challenging situations. However, by learning more about how to express and manage our emotions, we can build emotional resilience and feel more equipped to deal with future challenges. 

How to deal with toxic positivity in your daily life

In today’s world, toxic positivity is a reality. Learning to cultivate psychological safety to support authentic relationships at work and home is valuable, and one of the most powerful ways to avoid feeling invalidated, manipulated and confused about the validity of your feelings. 

If you’re interested in learning more about psychological safety and other applied psychology topics, SACAP offers a wide range of related courses. We provide many ways to upskill and apply practical psychological know-how in a fast-paced world through fully accredited degree programmes, short online courses and workshops. Read our story to find out more.