Examples of Gaslighting

Gaslighting is most commonly associated with romantic relationships, however examples of gaslighting occur in any situation. This is because gaslighting is relational not romantic. It is not contextualised or confined by gender, age, socio-economic background, education or life-experience. Rather, gaslighting is defined as an insidious form of mental and emotional abuse. There are different types of gaslighting, they tend to creep up on someone and escalates over time. Usually, gaslighting is so difficult to describe that articulating events, even to oneself, is challenging. It is therefore regarded as an “unseen abuse” because it’s not easy to spot and leaves no physical evidence. 

Why is Gaslighting Bad?

Gaslighting is harmful because it causes someone to question their reality, memories and/or feelings. People who are being gaslit often feel confused and anxious to the extent that they start to feel like they’re going “crazy”. Consequently, gaslighting can have a severe impact on mental health causing health issues such as anxiety, depression and PTSD. 

Where does Gaslighting Happen?

Gaslighting can happen anytime where two or more people interact. For gaslighting to be successful it needs to happen repeatedly and within a relationship that one expects to be based on trust. Most often there is an emotional investment, and this means there’s an element of vulnerability. Effectively, gaslighting undermines the relationship we have with ourselves so that someone else can exercise power and be in control. This means that a gaslighter often isolates their victim and makes them feel solely dependent on them. 

5 Examples of Gaslighting

1. Gaslighting in Romantic Relationships

Gaslighting in a relationship is not having a disagreement or airing a different perspective. Rather it is continual process of undermining a partner’s feelings with the intention of creating doubt in their mind and thereby distort reality. The end goal is to make a partner totally dependent on the gaslighter so that they (and the relationship) can be controlled. At the start of a relationship, gaslighting is usually intermittent and alternated with “love bombing”. Overtime gaslighting becomes normalised and a pattern within the relationship. 

Research shows that about 74% of women in abusive adult relationships experience gaslighting. Accordingly, gaslighting is a common form of Inter-Personal Violence (IPV) and often occurs in conjunction with other types of abuse. An example of gaslighting in a relationship is when one partner, after saying something hurtful, says “I was trying to help you so that other people wouldn’t make fun of you.”   An example of gaslighting in a marriage is when a husband (or wife) points out examples of people who they believe are good wives (or husbands). On the surface this may seem helpful, but it’s actually a way of undermining someone’s confidence in their spousal role. 

2. Gaslighting in Families

Family dynamics can be centred around patterns of gaslighting that start in childhood and continue throughout adulthood. Gaslighting happens when one family member distorts facts or denies events, spreads gossip and/or tells lies about another family member.  

Often how this plays out is that a parent creates situations which are unpredictable. Then when a child asks for something or responds they risk being berated or punished. The result is a constant state of insecurity that causes low self-esteem. For example, when asking if they can go on a playdate a parent allows it today but tomorrow the child will get in trouble for asking. Another form of family gaslighting is when a parent denies a child’s feelings when something happens or alternatively that an event happened. Parental gaslighting can also be continually ignoring a child’s emotions or treating them as irrelevant and unnecessary.  

3. Gaslighting in Friendships

Gaslighting in friendships happens a friend subtly undermines someone’s sense of self and reality. Examples of gaslighting in a friendship are: Blatantly, easily and repeatedly lying then when caught denying their behaviour and continuing with the lie. You might also notice that a friend’s words and actions don’t match up. Then when confronted the deflect the issue by saying that it’s your fault or you’re being nit-picky or overly sensitive. A third example of gaslighting in friendships is downplaying or ignoring another person’s successes. This is done to minimise a friend’s experiences and overtime has the effect of harming self-reliance. 

4. Gaslighting at Work

The most common form of gaslighting in the workplace involves a supervisor or coworker manipulating someone they’re working with. Examples of gaslighting at work include creating situations where someone is set up to fail. What happens is that only partial or irrelevant information is relayed to an attendee. Then at the meeting the attendee’s work performance is called into question in a humiliating manner. This type of gaslighting is intended to cause a colleague to doubt their decisions, distrust their own perspective and question their memory of events. Gaslighting at work also occurs when someone shifts blame and makes a co-worker feel like they’re responsible for a mistake when they’re not.  

Within a workplace setting, gaslighting is an abuse of power which is perpetrated through a cocktail of inappropriate and harmful behaviours. This means that gaslighting at work is effectively a subtle, incremental and harmful form of workplace bullying.  

5. Gaslighting on Social Media

Social media gaslighting happens when either another user or a social media platform psychologically manipulates an individual. The way gaslighting can transpire is through minimising a user’s experiences, distorting information to cause confusion, reframing events to erode self-assurance and/or spreading rumours. Gaslighting online can be reinforced by unfair practices and policies. Social Media platforms gaslight users when they shadow ban, this means purposely not being transparent with what they share and/or limiting information so as to distort truth. Another example of social media gaslighting is deplatforming a user unfairly and without providing an explanation. 

Are Gaslighting and Manipulation the Same Thing?

Gaslighting and manipulation are not the same thing. Gaslighting is a type of manipulation that’s aimed at causing someone to question their reality. Its purpose is to control someone else and a situation.  Manipulation is a broader term, and its purpose is to influence others to achieve a specific goal that advantages the manipulator. Accordingly, manipulation tactics range from flattery to blackmail depending on what results in the most self-benefit. 

How to tell if Someone is Gaslighting You

When it’s happening, gaslighting can sound like you’re being oversensitive and irrational. It can make you second guess your memory, challenge you to minimise your feelings and leave you feeling petty.  When someone is gaslighting you, they are trying to sow seeds of self-doubt and confusion so that they can be in control. This is why gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. 

Common Gaslighting Phrases and Tactics

Gaslighting phrases can be organised into 7 different groups of commonly used tactics. Depending on the situation they’re used in things gaslighters say will vary, but their purpose remains the same. Gaslighting tactics aim to deny reality, twist facts, minimise and trivialise feelings, undermine, blame and project fault or conceal information. 

Examples of Gaslighting Phrases

1. Denying reality: “You’re imagining things.”
2. Twisting facts: “That’s not how it happened.”
3. Minimising emotions: “You’re being too sensitive.”
4. Undermining confidence: “No one else would put up with you.”
5. Blaming the victim: “You made me act this way.”
6. Projecting: “You’re the one who’s manipulative.”
7. Withholding information: “You don’t need to know that.”

How to Recover from Gaslighting

The first step to recovering from gaslighting is trusting your gut feeling that something is wrong and then acknowledging that you’re being gaslit. Gaslight recovery also requires reaching out and talking to someone external to the relationship. This could be a friend, family member or mental health care professional.  

Understand the Impact of Gaslighting with a Degree in Psychology

If you’re passionate about mental health and want to support people to overcome the effects of emotional and psychological abuse, consider a degree in Applied Psychology from SACAP. A Bachelor of Psychology is a professional degree approved by the HPCSA for the education and training of registered counsellors.