Gaslighting: What Is It and How to Recognise It

Gaslighting is a type of emotional and psychological abuse that revolves around entitlement and seeking to control another person. It involves repetitively (and often brazenly) lying with the intention of making another person doubt and distrust themselves. There are different types of gaslighting and all of them can have a harmful, and even lifelong detrimental, impact.  

Gaslighting is not a new type of abuse. Increased mental health awareness and intolerance of domestic violence has led to a wider awareness of it. But because gaslighting is insidious and incrementally escalates it’s difficult to articulate. This means that often by the time it’s identified it’s a regular occurrence that’s become a relationship norm. Gaslighting can also occur in conjunction with other types of abuse.

Where Does Gaslighting Come From?

Gaslighting is a term that originates from a 1940s movie called Gaslight. In it, a charming man, Gregory, marries a woman, Paula. He then deliberately and systematically sets out to convince her that she’s insane. Gregory’s end goal is to have her institutionalised so that he can find the hidden stash of rubies he believes is in her home. He starts off by disputing small insignificant happenings, then advances to bigger scenarios. For example, one of his tricks is to dim and brighten their home’s gas lamps. He then insists she’s imagining it.

The accumulated impact of his different types of gaslighting reinforce her growing belief that she’s losing her mind. Thankfully, she meets an astute investigator who helps validate her experiences and thus her reality. Through this, she’s able to see the chronic manipulation her husband is subjecting her to and gaslighting examples in marriage are highlighted. Thereafter, Paula is able to free herself from Gregory and his abuse. 

5 Types of Gaslighting

1. Lies: Twisting facts, denying something or refusing to admit trust even when faced with evidence.
2. Manipulation: Using controlling or harmful tactics to gain advantage, ensure own way or create confusion and doubt.
3. Scapegoat: Unfairly shifting blame or deflecting responsibility.
4. Coercion: Pressuring someone, using threats or force, into doing something they wouldn’t otherwise have done.
5. Trivializing: Minimising or ignoring the feelings and/or experiences of someone else.

Gaslighting is relational. This means that examples of gaslighting can be found where ever two or more people interact with each other. There’s no age limit and it occur at any point in life. Gaslighting can happen between contemporaries or be intergenerational. Accordingly, there can be gaslighting in romantic relationships, gaslighting in marriage, gaslighting in friendships and gaslighting at work. It is also possible to experience gaslighting in families as well as gaslighting in community settings. The end result of gaslighting is a toxic relationship which damages a person’s emotional and mental wellbeing.

How does Gaslighting Happen?

Gaslighting often happens over a period of time and escalates incrementally. The abuser discreetly victimises someone in a disguised or passive manner, chipping away at one’s confidence, self-esteem and sense of self. Simply put, gaslighting is when the perpetrator constantly and dishonestly disputes someone’s recall of their experiences. Thereby, causing a growing sense of self-doubt and isolation. 

Gaslighting is intentional because it’s motivated by an intention to manipulate and control someone. However, what does vary is how aware a perpetrator is of the full extent and impact their actions are having. Narcissistic gaslighting examples are common because it is a tactic that narcissists often use to gain control over their target.

What does Gaslighting Feel Like?

Gaslighting is like being in a whirlwind. The longer things continue, the more out of control and confusing life becomes. The world around gets blurrier as your sense of self and reality gradually get eroded and are replaced with self-doubt and fear. As perspective becomes hazier, isolation and powerlessness increase, alongside a growing distrust in your own instincts and judgements. Adding to this, is the feeling of being constantly drained due to repeatedly riding an emotional rollercoaster and continuously walking on eggshells.

Those who experience gaslighting often can’t put their finger on exactly what is happening. This makes it difficult to articulate, even to themselves. Constant gaslighting makes a rational conversation about what’s going on impossible to have with the person perpetuating it. And they’re usually, if not always, the person a gaslighting victim first tries to discuss things with. The result is that when a gaslighting victim tries to discuss the situation and provides gaslighting examples, they come off looking confused and petty. This reinforces their fear that something is wrong with them not the situation.  Consequently, trying to ask for external help then becomes even more difficult and they become trapped in a cycle that reinforces self-doubt.

How do You Know if You’re being Gaslit?

Usually when gaslighting starts you are unaware of it. There might be a niggling feeling that somethings off and over time it becomes more apparent. If you feel like you’re losing touch with reality and someone else is consistently reinforcing that feeling, it’s quite likely you’re being gaslit.

10 Results of Gaslighting

1. Having trouble making even simple decisions.
2. Making excuses and apologising for someone else’s behaviour.
3. Self-blaming when someone treats you badly.
4. Walking on eggshells around someone.
5. Keeping quiet rather than expressing feelings or beliefs.
6. Questioning feelings, judgements, observations.
7. Doubting memories, recall of events and own sanity.
8. Feeling isolated, lonely and trapped.
9. Constantly feeling on edge, unable to relax and/or feeling threatened all the time.
10. Believing that you’re unable to do anything right, escalating negative self-talk, feeling disappointed and bad about who you have become.

The Impact of Gaslighting on Mental Health

Gaslighting creates and reinforces low-self-esteem, self-doubt, feelings of powerlessness and it isolates. Victims often feel lonely, trapped and confused because they think they are usually wrong and cannot trust their judgement. Most often they feel like they are going “crazy”. The result can be devastating, creating mental health issues like depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Practically, those who are gaslit have difficulty functioning effectively and efficiently at school, work and/or in social situations.

How to recover from Gaslighting

While gaslighting is difficult to identify and break free of, total recovery from gaslighting is possible. The hardest part is recognising gaslighting for what it is and then deciding to do something about it. After this recovering from gaslighting requires time, self-compassion, self-care and patience with oneself. It’s a process where being mindful and putting one’s own needs first is important so that you can rewire your brain for happiness.  

You’ll also need a few trusted people you can lean on and safely share things with. And for a while, might need to only engage in situations you know you’ll feel safe in. It might also be helpful to seek the services of a trained professional, such as a counsellor or psychologist.

How to Help Someone Recover from Gaslighting Abuse

A gaslighting survivor has had someone close to them has tried to alter their memories and perception of events. It leaves them distrustful of themselves and their basic capabilities. This means that key to assisting them recover from gaslighting is to repeatedly assure them that their recall, judgements and decisions are trustworthy. Practically, this could mean listening to them talk through decisions. And rather than give your opinion or advice, affirm their decision-making process, choices and personal boundaries. Then afterwards, checking in and encouraging them not to second guess how, why or what they’ve decided.

Understand the Impact of Gaslighting with a Degree in Psychology

If you would like to help people recover from gaslighting, then consider a degree in Applied Psychology from SACAP. A Bachelor of Psychology is a professional degree approved by the HPCSA for the education and training of registered counsellors.

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